What's that smell...Oh...it's a THEME!

and not a nice one.


It has been relatively quiet on the redhead front, although this last week was an interesting buffet of asshole casserole

I literally just fell backward in my chair when I typed that and cracked up... please hold...I'm calling the patent office!

OMG

OK I've composed myself now.  Anyway...I hadn't really had any hate mail to speak of in the time that my admittedly barbed dating profile had been up.  But last week, the planets must have aligned just right to piss off some dickheads.

I don't have the examples to post because one of them was so vile and verbally violent I blocked him before I thought to screen shot his bile.  Pretty much any angry thing you can imagine a guy saying to a complete stranger on a dating site...replete with the word "cunt" in 2 different parts of speech. He was very smart you see, and pointed out that not only do I HAVE one, but I AM one.  A lonely one, he goes on, who will never, EVER have a man, blah blah blah blaaaaah blah blah.

I felt like I needed mace and a shower after I read it.  He was a classy motherfucker. So I blocked him and then thought "Ah damnit...the evidence".  Oh well.

The other guy blocked ME before I could screen shot him.  He said that I was a loser bitch, or something and that I stereotyped everyone.

I don't, unless you call statements like "all morons are stupid" a stereotype.

There is something in there about flat billed caps, but I didn't say all flat billed cap wearers are xyz. I just said I am sick and damn tired of them and all their pictures of quads and cousins and dinner plates.

Whatever crawled up the cosmic ass has seemingly calmed down and I have had no more hate. It was just a crazy 2-3 day period of angry middle aged men.  Thanks guys. You keep the blog fires burning while I have actual conversations with homo-sapien types who walk upright.
Merci!

Hold on to your balls, boys.

Check out this hilariously, awesome, on fuckin' fleek video  from Facebook...

OH. warning.  This is some feminist shit. You should hold on to your man card in case your friends find out you read this and value women as humans.

https://www.facebook.com/attn/videos/1454449587923829/

Patronizing 101

How to piss off a liberated woman, 101.  A free course to anyone who wishes to keep their ass intact.

 

NOT....FUCKING...AROUND.  Don't be an idiot. This is not 1955 and I am not arm candy and you're not doing me some favor by throwing me a bunch of shallow compliments without even referencing anything of substance. I mean, my profile is full of interests, humor, etc.  Do I want to feel beautiful? Yes.  But I am not an object in a window for someone to desire because I will make them look good or feel better about themselves. Fuck that shit.   

You know what makes me feel beautiful? Being acknowledged as a whole person, with a brain, and a sense of humor and a spiritual calling and a colorful vocabulary and hobbies and children and ...my god. Just pick a thing, any thing, perhaps in addition to my ass and my eyeballs! 

His username is "BBWlvr".  Omg.   Do skinny girls get this fetish bullshit?  Does this guy think he's doing fat women a favor?!  Bitch puh-leaze!

PS. He's an Aquarius. 

aaaaand from the top, this time with feeling!!

File this under: TAURUS, slow to "get it".

Ok I'm a bitch, have we covered that sufficiently? Look, when you have your own blog, you can paint yourself to be Mother Teresa (who by the way had a bitch side to her as well, just sayin!), but I'm just keepin' it real it the hopes of getting back to ACTUAL RELATING with other humans with like...language and stuff!

This internet dating this has screwed us all up so badly.  This topic is a refresher for those of you paying attention, because it apparently bears repeating.

*writes on blackboard*

*Pauses to explain what a blackboard is* So back in the days before the "Smart Board" and the "Chrome Books" the teacher used this thing called CHALK and wrote lesson-y stuff  on this thing called a chalk board.  It was incredibly barbaric and hard to read and sometimes the erasers were used as weapons and then we had to walk uphill in the snow to eat a lunch of bologna sandwiches. OMG THE HUMANITY. Is there an acronym for that? OMG...TH?

Whatever. Anyway....

SENDING MULTIPLE MESSAGES BACK TO BACK BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T RECEIVED A RESPONSE FROM HIM/HER AND PRETENDING IT'S BECAUSE OF A TECHNICAL ERROR IS ...SAD.

and pathetic maybe.

So wha' ha' happn'd was...I got bored. The conversation was just not holding it's shape well and it was falling flat and I was trying but it wasn't working and I feel like he was a nice guy but not quite my caliber of dude and...I just got fucking bored.

So I stopped answering.

Granted, we had not been betrothed or anything. I think betrothal happens on message 8 and we were on ....3.   So I just backed out of the room slowly. Because I can. Because not betrothed.  *not explaining that goddamnit*    Because just like in that bar in 1994 when that dude with funky hair, too much cologne and an over or under laundered shirt bought me a drink and made LAME conversation with me, I wasn't obligated to make shitty small talk with him, or make out with him or drink more shitty well drinks on his dime, I am also not obligated to answer message #3.

So after my crickets, the next day I get

*cool sunglasses emoji*

then the next day

"Hi. Hope you're having a great day.  blah blah blah blah boring boring boring yaaaawn blah blah.  I tried to message you last night (aside reference to emoji) but I was driving and Siri wasn't cooperating. haha."

then the next day

" Hi. the (dating app name) is giving me problems. My number is 555.555.5555 if you would like to text me"  (it was a real phone number....not all 5's)

then the next day

"been messaging you. Doesn't look like they are sending"

THEY ARE SENDING! I'm just not answering! for the love of  Goddess, please spare your ego further pain and stop this madness!  Those were my thoughts.

then THE ...NEXT...DAY... ("Dear Taurus...OMFG")

"well I thought I'd try one more time. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah."


So...it isn't that he's a dick or anything. I mean he could be a serial killer, Idanno. I'm not gonna find out, because I'm not gonna date him. Because I don't have to. Because I'm BORED.

So when you do not get a response from someone, do NOT KEEP MESSAGING THEM.  (This applies to newly budding or attempted connections, NOT established relationships with established communication rhythms!)  Unless you're married to them and they don't answer your 4th text...you should call the police or drive to that bitch's house, or both.  But I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about NEW relationships!

Girls, you are the worst at this, frankly. But it seems like many men like women so much, they've started acting like them.

DOH!

This behavior is called "Leaning In". and you shouldn't do it in any newly forming relationship, whether its platonic, or work relationship, or hopeful romance.   When someone doesn't answer you, there's usually some kind of reason. It could be a bullshit reason or a legit reason or the dog ate their ...phone.  It doesn't matter.  Allow the other person that reason without leaning in and energetically hovering over them.   If they want to respond to you, trust me, they will.  But you climbing up their ass, energetically (otherwise, ew) is only going to push them farther away.  You know I'm right, because you've done this to yourself before, haven't you?

STOP IT.

LEAN THE FUCK BACK.

I mean. ahem. Lean Back.  Either he will lean forward and close the gap or he won't.  But if you stop begging him or her to talk to you, when they do, you'll know it's sincere and not out of some conditioned response to stalker behavior.

However, if your girlfriend of 18 months stops messaging you, or answering you, you've probably pissed her off pretty bad and you should fix that shit.

Kay? Kay.

Let me help YOU. HELP ME HELP YOU!!

So this week's menu of stupid looks like this:  An Aries, 54 year old, never married nerdy type.  who is looking for "a medium build woman".  He has no kids. and...this is where I start judging...no pets. (my own bias. no offense intended, for once.)   He has this profile picture where his head is cocked way sideways and he's grinning at us like we are puppies who have just climbed inside the bowl to eat. Oh wait, he has no pets. nevermind. He's got this ridiculous look on his face. Not like a nerdy awkward guy. But like his co-worker, Gladys, just said "Morty, smile!" and he looked over like "Oh it's so adorable that frumpy Gladys wants my photo. ooooh oooohkaaaay".    Got the image in your mind?

I like nerds. a lot.  But this guy...

him: why are you so angry? I hope you find what you're looking for
me: if you saw my inbox you'd understand
him (completely losing any modicum of respect I had for him as a nerdy guy): "It can't be that bad.  a beautiful, intelligent lady...you should be able to draw out some decent guys *rose emoji to make this condescension better*
me (in all caps on purpose):  OK SURE. K THANKS
him:  (still not getting it)  Have faith.  There are some nice guys out there
me: crickets/no response

NEXT DAY

him:  if you ever want to talk about anything give me an email.

I found it hard to not respond to that one and say "really? are you looking for a girlfriend or a counseling client? WHY would you do this to yourself?  Let me be your relationship coach. Don't assign yourself a role that you don't really want!

I said nothing.

3 DAYS LATER

him:  (STILL NOT GETTING IT)  SMILE *happy face and rose emojis*

Again, hard to not respond.  I know you guys don't get it but let me help you.  Don't tell us to smile or to "calm down".  Do you know how often we hear stupid shit like "you're so much prettier when you smile"...?

hint:  A LOT

You know what is kinda cool? When someone digs the hell out of you even if you're mad, or have resting bitchface, or have ACTIVE bitchface. Or when someone has empathy for what you might be experiencing a  woman human.   Or doesn't act like they are doing you a favor by offering unsolicited (bad) advice.

side note for all humans:  all advice that is unsolicited is going to be bad.

Let me help y'all out

I know that this stupidity is MOSTLY unintentional. But OMFG ...condescension is not sweet, guys.

Likewise girls...stop being his counselor! (This is different than being supportive in an established relationship.  But even in a marriage, if deep things come up around, say, family stuff... you shouldn't try to fill the role of supportive spouse and counselor.  It's weird. Trust!) Once you get yourself into the counselor box, its difficult to get out of it.  You wanna have a sexy, romantic relationship? or do you want to feel "right" and counsel him on his problems?  If he has that many problems, exit, stage left.  If he doesn't, then shut up unless asked.

Here ends the reading of today's (not actually dating because OMFG) rant

How I shall henceforth refer to everyone

So, I don't know who did this, or I would give credit.  It is utterly fabulous. And this is how I am going to refer to people from now on.

Until I forget... which will be in about 7 hours.

So let's see.  I am SUPER DONE with Half a Taco!  Jury is out on Shrimp Cocktail. I think I'm allergic to their bullshit.   Hand turkey, perhaps the most perfect nickname ever, broke the hell out of my heart twice so fuck them.   I AM a white guy with cornrows so I'm not sure I could date one.  Pretty certain that I still hate A Novelty Bass, even though I've made a lot of peace with it, it still may not work for me.


I may need to invent some new signs...

The Walking Dead - the "resurrection" of a dead social life

Well I've resurrected this blog, because I am once again, single. I don't really have a huge objections to being single, but that word in society is said with a mixture of disdain and pity. Poor girl is SINGLE.

 And then there are the guy friends who want to "help".

"Do you know why you're single?" 

"Um, because I have standards that aren't being met by the moronic assortment of sub-humans who asked if they can sneak into my house while my kids are asleep??..." 

"No. You're too picky". 

"oooooooh. right. fucking standards. I'm just a woman. I shouldn't have those! I should just feel grateful when a male human seeks procreation activity with me. Riiiiiight. my bad". 

"why are you so bitter?" 

"would you like to look at my inbox?"

 "Is that a code?" 

"No. But that question is  a perfect example of why I am single!"

 I can't honestly say that I am even actively "dating" again. Because I can't get past the stupidity blockade in my inbox. And no, that isn't code!! So merely for entertainment, if not for eventual monetary gain, I hereby resurrect this blog of dating doom, and I give you...

The Zombies of Love. DATING IN 2017! 

Relatively handsome dude (who clearly has not read my barbed dating profile): How's the dating scene going for you thus far? 

(I am titillated at the use of the word "thus", so I reply, although I am simultaneously annoyed that he clearly hasn't read the masterpiece under my photos)

me: god. I want to run screaming onto a freeway 

him: yes. dating is tough. Just so you know, I just got out of a relationship and am not looking for anything serious right now. More like run under the covers. Would you be interested? 

me: NOPE 

him: OK 

me: (mercifully explaining myself) I am not looking to get married and I'm not in a hurry for a relationship. I just can't do the unconnected sex thing."

 a SMART MAN would have said something here about...oh Idanno. Anything other than what he actually said. Which was... 

him: How do you know if you've never tried? 

So in the movie version of this scenario, my head explodes and dragons fly out and eat him and spit out his bones. THIS is the exact bullshit that makes me bitter. First of all, there is a subtle undertone of "he's doing me a favor" in here. Secondly, why would he assume from my statement that I haven't "tried"? Motherrrrrfuckerrrrrr....*yoga breathing* 

me: Do I seem like a woman who doesn't know herself? Why would you assume I haven't "tried"? I'm sure you will have zero problem finding a woman who will appreciate the favor you are doing for her by fucking her without any sort of emotional connection. Enjoy the view of humanity's dismantling. 

***end scene*** 

Ok so in objective fairness, maybe THAT is why I'm single. But so far, I'd rather be single than entertain the zombie fuckers of the world.

Stay tuned...