Pic of the day

Open letter to the future Mr.

Dear Men,

I have needs too, Ya know. I have a calling and a purpose that I would like to be able to fulfill. You have no idea how much more difficult you are making things for me. Hurry up. I miss being held.  I miss gliding over smooth, (or soon to be smooth) skin.  I would like to be able to do my job and do us all a favor at the same time! 

Sincerely, 

Her Razor. 

So close, and yet...not at all...

This poor dog...embodies how I feel about my love life...

Not Dutch. Certainly not French

I am reminded now of great dates gone bad. 

Everything was fine. Then he spoke.  Rawr. 

A tall dark and very handsome dude took me out. He was educated. Intelligent sexy. He opened my doors.  He pulled out my chairs. He paid for everything. He put his hand on my back in the movie line.  He behaved himself in said movie. 

He held my hand. He kissed me goodnight. PERFECTION

date two was equally perfect.  With slightly more kissing. But not a ton.  Very respectful.  Very cool.   

Phone call after date TWO. 

"I really hope we take the time to sleep together soon"

Wait.  What???

Who says that?? I thought maybe it was a harmless slip.  But he continued on about it. At  length.   

Why not just continue to see me and let it happen? It's not like I've been stringing him along for weeks and his balls are blue.  2 dates.  Really?? 

Guys. Stop reading those stoooopid books on dating!!!

Another time this happened and on date three when I wouldn't put out dude threw a fit. A tantrum.  And quoted such a book stating something to the effect that if a woman doesn't sleep with you by the third date she's either seeing someone else or she's not that into you. 

Did you just quote that shit to me? On purpose? Like...did you intend for stupid words to come out of your face???  I'd like to throat punch you AND the author.  

We had a big fight to the point I blockaded my door after he left because he freaked me out. 

And I swear i didn't plan this punch line...I just remembered ...one was named Bryan and they are both Leos!!! 

Have you ever seen or heard cats mating?? Maybe that's how Leos do it. How about some romance?? Maybe less talking and more acting like a gentleman???

Pix of the day!!

Just me or does this look a little "broke back mountain"????

In total truth this guys photos were hot.  I would like to stare at him.  But I can't. Because wtf is all that shit behind him?? 

Like if I am gonna take a mostly naked photo the clutter would be genius cuz like "cellulite? Where? Look. A raincoat pottery a puzzle a lamp household cleaners a puppy shiny things.  Damn I  look great!"

Look.  Im sexy.  In the public bathroom.  You need to see my abs.  It's that important. 

Look.  I'm shaving.  I'm so happy about shaving.  You needed to see me shaving...

?????

I have no words.  I mean... 

Nope.  

Can't. 

I wish I'd kept them...

Back in 2010 "dick pix" were very en vogue in the online community. My friends and I used to compare them over cocktails (ha. Pun).  We wrote songs about them.  And I threatened to collect said pix and compile a DICKtionary.  A coffee table picture of dick pix from dating sites.  

I ran out of hard drive. (Ha.  Pun).  

And tums.  How many curved and skinnyish appendages with sock feet in the background can a girl take?

Not many. 

Anyway. I had to share this video.  Love it. 

http://distractify.com/beth-buczynski/must-be-a-meatlovers/

Oh Virgo...nooooo. I have to get out the rules again...

I have very little to say here. And no offense to Virgoes or men named Brian or Bryan. But my BFF and I instated a rule a few years ago that "friends don't let friends date guys named Brian".

there is a whole episode/scene/chapter in the movie set aside for men holding this name.  Again, no offense, Brians.  I have friends named Brian. But there must be some name/numerology vibe that makes this a comical match for me...and my BFF apparently.

Brians turn out to be really really moronic.  They say stupid things. They have stupid expectations.  They have no boundaries.  And I know these are gross generalizations but this is my party and I'll talk shit if I want to.

So against my better judgment, I chatted with a Brian last night.  2 minutes into the conversation I got this

"I hope you don't think its too big".

OH MA GAWD BECKY....

Fickle like the weather in March...

so a guy who fell off the radar months ago, just POOF, messaged me today. Presumably because he saw me online (where he messaged me and then texted me on my phone). "Hey, how are you?"

I'm like "hey what happened to you?"

so we chit chat. I teased him pretty mercilessly about totally losing touch with me. and I said something about "you're killin' me".

"dont' go dyin' on me please"

"oh, you'd notice? lol"

"wow that stung"

"it did not"

"it did"

"Why? you're the one who forgot about me until you broke up with your girlfriend, got bored, and saw me online today and went "oh hey...her".

**crickets**

Actions speak louder than words, Mister Gemini.  I see both your faces, and I call bullshit. 

In fairness, he did muster up the courage to reply and I stopped harassing him.  He's nice. But I'm not stupid.  We all know the only reason we lose touch with a prospective date is because a more appealing date came along.  Unless you got engaged, the smart thing to do is to at least stay in touch, dummy.  

CANCER: The Little Dutch Boy & the Men who can't commit

Recently I took a little day trip to (location name changed to protect the innocent) to meet a guy.  I don't normally do that (see first entry re: cow tongue), but it was (appealing locale) so no matter what it wouldn't be a total loss.   The guy is very nice, and we discussed ahead of time that he was on a bit of a budget due to various issues. Which is part of the reason I made the trip and not visa versa.

So I had to get a tire changed on my car for this trip.  It needed to be done anyway so I can't really whine about that.  But it was an expense.  Then I drove over there. Then I paid for all day parking.  Then ...we went DUTCH on EVERYTHING.  I mean...everything.  Which wasn't even expensive.  I had a salad for lunch, and a glass of wine.  Later for "dinner" I had a mushroom appetizer and another glass of wine.  Then before I left town, I got a coffee...and he didn't even pay for that.  Didn't offer to top off my tank. Didn't offer me a $20.  Then the next day asked when I was coming back.

Um...when you fucking pay for something?

Look, I understand hardship.  I'm not a bitch.  I'm a modern woman and I'm cool.  And I totally get things being tight.  I didn't expect a 5 star dinner.  Maybe just a gesture of picking up one of the tabs??? Come the fuck on.  This was overboard dutchness.

RUDE.

Also rude:  going on two really enjoyable and awesome dates, where he did NOT make me go dutch and then completely disappearing without a word.   Before date 1: "I am pretty determined to make you my girlfriend. I hope you like me. I really like you".  Date 1=great.  He "can't wait for date 2"  Date 2 - even better than date 1.  Put air in my low tire, hugged me, paid for dinner, we laughed a lot.  Talked about things we were going to do, about how our oldest kids have a lot in common, about him taking the boys fishing...all that.
then...
crickets.

WTF??

This is not an isolated incident.  And I'm too tired to go into all my theories about it right this minute, so bookmark this thought an we will revisit it:

ANALYSIS PARALYSIS.

I always title my blog entries after I've written them.  I didn't plan to write these two dates into one blog. and then I realized...THEY ARE BOTH CANCERS! boom!!   It doesn't really fit my understanding of the sensitive family oriented cancer. But there is some weird common thread.

My ex husband is a cancer. and a couple years ago I dated a cancer for 3/4 of a year and we went no where.  so maybe cancers ARE commitment-phobes.  In fact, the 3/4 year cancer also made me pay for my own stuff regularly after driving to see him.

Yes ...judge me.  go ahead.  I'm learning.  slowly.

At the end of this. will there be any one left suitable for dating or mating? sigh...

Capricorns. I thought taurus was stubborn!

I am very amused by this fact: I typed this title as a reminder of a blog entry to make. And I apparently have been on enough dates, or talked to enough stupid men in the span of 3 weeks, that I have completely forgotten who the Capricorn is that I was going to bitch about.  gone.  poof. no clue.  LOL


that's sad and funny. I must drink wine now.

and I shall now place this wine induced non sequiter here:

I realize we are grown ups and I'm all liberated and own my sexuality and whatnot.  But is is possible, I wonder, to have a conversation, even with an intelligent man, without being asked about "being fucked"?

"do you need your bell rung?"

"I wonder how you sound...."

"what are you wearing?"

any ad infinitum opportunistic puns, innuendo, etc.

are we in Junior High??? OMG. These men are in their 40s!!!

Here's a thought:  How about you don't act stupid, pick up a tab, open a door, make an effort to be a couple notches above a Neanderthal, properly get to know how friggin awesome I am, and then you might stand a chance of finding out "how I sound"...

Novel and ridiculous concept.

back to wine.