Bye Bye Internet Dating. (by Artie)

This blog has been dead because so has my hope.  The other day, in a moment of hopeful curiosity, I got into my profile on the free site, Plenty of Idiots.  I had not been on there in about 3 months. I can honestly say that since 2010, with the exception of when I was in a relationship, I have always used online dating.  But things have changed. I'm not sure if *I* have changed or if online dating has really taken a plunge into fucking stupid waters.  I think it is both.  I think online dating needs to DIEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee.  It has ruined expectations and the ability to converse. HOWEVER, I had a moment wherein I was like "what if...", so I logged in.

9 hours later, I straight up DELETED my profile. I didn't just HIDE it, I deleted it!  Before I did that, however, I got a lovely message from a dude I dated briefly twice.  Twice, because I believe in second chances, and so that I can blog about what a fucking stupid romantic I am in believing in second chances.  This is the dude that said to me, after date #2, maybe #2, (via text) that he hoped we "took the time to sleep together soon".  That was like 4 years ago.  A few months ago, he was still a pushy asshole and it was just disappointing.  So when we were supposed to meet for lunch one day, and he insisted I come to his house instead of the original plan, I politely declined. And then I proceeded to ignore him for a couple days until he asked me WTF. Then I just said I'm not feelin' it, bye Felicia.  So before I deleted my Plenty of Idiots account, he messaged me some kind of sarcastic asshole bullshit. 

Thank you, pushy Sagittarius guy, for validating my intuition.  

Aaaaaanyway, fuck that shit. 

But, being that I am a stupid, stupid woman, I got on eHarmony. I refused to pay the exorbitant amount they ask for so I can't see pictures. But trust me, reading is enough at first.  So after a couple days of absolutely NOTHING, because if you don't pay you don't really get much play, finally some dude messages me.  I can't read the message, because I haven't paid. But I can read his profile.  It was already if-y and full of grammatical butchering when I got to the section about people who have influenced him.  #1: "Bill Clinton".  Um, let's rethink this one, eh? #2:   "Hillary Clinton".  If he hadn't listed Bill, I'd be all "hey a feminist, yay!" But alas...Bill?!  Then... #3: "Borac Obama".  Mother fucker.  If you can't spell his fucking name...then I just can't even.  

Bye. 

Bye Felicia.  

Why can't eHarmony screen for spelling? They are snobs about everything else! 

I don't know how I'm ever going to meet someone but it ain't like this.  I met my husband in 1997 on the internet, and every relationship I've had since then has come from the internet. I know some Dr. Phil asshole out there is saying "How's that workin' for ya?" Fuck you.  *smooths hair and blouse*  Actually I have had some lovely relationships but they ended for the same reasons all relationships end, not simply because there are more fucking douchenozzles on online dating sites. Trust me, douchenozzleishness does not just exist online, it is here in the real live matrix too!   Point being, internet dating is all I really know. And since I mostly hate people, and am old, and busy, and a mom, and mostly hate people, and am old and hate bars full of people, I have no idea how I'm going to meet anyone...ever.  

*stabs internet dating with a fireplace poker, then beats it over its stupid empty head, then cuts off its fingers so it can't left OR right swipe from the grave, then sticks the poker in its internet ass!* DIE internet dating...DIE! 

Excuse me, I have to go to the SPCA and adopt 4 cats...

Open letter to a creep (by Artie)

So, I really really don't mean to be the woman who just bags on men.  But here's the thing...SOME men just aren't catching on. And the more we (I, you...we) don't fit into their old paradigms, and the more we don't respond to their BULLSHIT, the weirder and more angry they get. This is fine. We can spot them by their red faces I suppose.  But the work is frustrating as fuck.  I get a stupid message once a day and every one of them thinks they are doing me some favor by telling me I'm sexy.  Most of them feel they have to tell me that I should respond. If I don't, most of those respond with something shitty.

This is my friend's experience with a jackhole on social media.  She posted this after she blocked him,  but she hopes he gets the message that he IS A JACKHOLE.  If HE doesn't get the message, we hope some other jackholes will!!

Here is her "letter":
This is addressed to the troll who high jacked my post last night, one that was a feel good post and turned it into something dirty and disgusting.
You sir are a pig, a disgusting pig.
Here are the reasons:

1) You are disgusting... physically, mentally and emotionally

2) Your wife was barely in the ground before you starting trolling

3) FB is not Match.com or Tinder or in your case, farm animals R us.

4) You are a pig

5) You can't write a sentence..... "Can. We. Talk.", "You. Hot. Girl", "Need. Talk. Hot friends." And the icing on the pile of shit cake "No. Hookup. With. U" are not sentences. Maybe you should go back to grammar school, or the barn yard

6) You are rude

7) You are offensive

8)And yes I should have unfriended or blocked you months ago but I was trying to be nice because we grew up in the same town.

9) But I never once gave you any indication or encouragement as a matter of fact I just ignored you.....so for you to state you wanted to "hook up with me" on a post in front of all my family friends and clients.....is vile.

10) There is no planet on which that would ever happen

11) Nor is there enough drugs, alcohol or plastic bags to cover your disgusting face and body for me to even remotely give you the time of day.

12) Women do not find it attractive to be treated that way and if you find one who does I suggest you hold on to her for dear life.

13) Did you think I was going to say "Oh god yes please?" Give me a fucking break

14) Just because I am single does not mean I am a used car that you get to kick the tires on or take for a test drive. But if I were, I would be one that you wouldn't even be allowed to sit in because your credit wouldnt be good enough

15) And last but not least you sir, are a disgusting pig.

a little resume fluffing?

Well the most amazing thing has happened.  It seems that there has been a huge increase in the number of highly educated men on the dating sites.  I must receive one message a week from a man who has a PhD!  This is a lovely surprise!

Some of them even put it in their usernames! How clever and smart. (oh look, I can see my brain right now!)

But, lest you should feel badly about yourself while you're questioning your level of education, let me drill down into this a bit.

There's a chance that there's a misunderstanding of what "PhD" really means.  It stands for Doctor of Philosophy.   But judging by the number of men using this in their profiles who also have pictures of themselves in flat billed caps, with bathroom selfies, I'm gonna hazard a guess that there's a lot of "Pile it Higher and Deeper" going on.

You are NOT  a PhD just because you think Country Music is a philosophy and you know all the words

You are NOT a PhD if you like to play doctor

You are NOT a PhD if you like to play doctor while reading greek philosophy.  Nope. really.


You are most likely also not a PhD if your message to me says any of the following
"your cute"

• "i read your profile and i think we have a lot in comon"
• "i like curvy educated woman"
• "I rilly enjoyed you're profile, and I would like to conversate further."
• "Oihhi"  (What the fuck even is that?!)

Also, you are NOT "Post Doctoral"  if you just left the doctor


I could go on.  But I hope that clears some things up.

How "woman on beach" launched a 1000 ships in my brain...

Excuse me while I dust off my soapbox.  Oh you think I've been on it? That's cute.

No, really.  help a bitch up, it's taller than it used to be...

So, I somewhat understand the struggle of men to fully grasp the women's movement.  It isn't a thing of the past. It is going on right now, every day.  I know a lot of men (and women, but omg I just can't even!)  think that feminism is a nasty word.  I know some  people think feminists are man-haters. I get that those people are out there. But it has astounded me, recently, to learn just how many people do NOT understand the women's movement, the fight for women's rights, and the struggle for equality.

I spoke to one dude, (who argued with me at length about the role of Mary Magdalene in Jesus' life) who said that the sexual revolution ruined everything.  As you can imagine, my internet courtship with that one was brief.  I can't even get into that one without spinning off into a whole other blog entry.   It is clear that MOST people don't "get it".

And don't mistake me. This is not a victim speech.  Fuck that.  I can't stand victim mentality.  This is not a poor me thing. This is a  reality thing.  Our society is so impregnated with misogyny that we usually don't even recognize it. But like so many things, once you are awake you can not go back to sleep.  And when you're awake, you see it everywhere...how women are looked down on, felt sorry for, pitied, condescended to, and yes, victimized... but again, another blog.

I am just asking that people open their eyes.  One of the parting factors in my last relationship was that he really really really did not get the women's rights thing.  And I don't know how I'm supposed to lie down next to that and feel supported, when in fact, I'm really not.

I could give you a THOUSAND examples of it in the work place alone. Lest you think that corporate America has evolved and it's all good and equal and kum by ya...it's not. Not even fucking close.   But it extends so far beyond the office...it's such bullshit.

I encounter this fucked up thinking in the dating universe a lot. Which you should know if you have been reading this blog at all.  One of the most irritating things I've found recently is that men expect women to do or behave  or respond in certain ways.  For decades, men have not done or behaved or responded according to any paradigm except their own.  And lately, men seem to be acting a lot like women when women were being made fun of for being "needy".   But in the male embodiment, more than just a neediness, this has a sense of entitlement with it. Once a day I get a message that says something about how I should respond to his message.  Most recently "You don't have to respond, but it would be polite if you did". Well thank you for educating my obviously impolite, uneducated feminine self about fucking manners! It would also be polite if you didn't tell me how to respond.  Also it would be great if your message said ANYTHING other than JUST that.  Literally, all the message said was "Hi.  You don't have to respond but it would be polite if you did"

Can you imagine how badly I wanted to respond "fuck you. how's that?"

I know some of you reading this may think I'm just a bitter bitch. I'm not.  I have lots of male friends and colleagues and I do NOT hate them or think they are shit. But that is because they do not condescend to me or act like they are doing me a fucking favor by talking to me.

This thinking is PREVALENT, people!!

I was looking for a graphic today, of a "woman on a beach", and I was going to put some words over the image about nurturing your soul.

I found THIS.  Please note the tags for the photo: "lonely woman sitting on the beach".  I covered that up and called over my 13 year old son and said "What's this photo look like to you? Like, how do you think she feels in this?"
"Mmmmm, meditate-y? ...peaceful."
"Kay, thanks."

My 13 year old son gets it, but the majority of adults out there do not.  Why is a woman sitting alone on the beach LONELY? She looks happy as shit to me!! Sitting on a log, thinking "I sure am happy I have this time to myself, what a gift!  And I really like my new house keeper. I hope she works out.  I need to go to the store and get stuff for tacos.  Bob likes cabbage, so I gotta remember that. And I need to take bagels to work for training on Monday.  OK.  Shut up, brain. This is gorgeous. This is heaven.  I am so grateful to be sitting on this giant chunk of beach wood and staring at the vast ocean. YASSSSS!!! my life is good!"

She's not lonely, motherfuckers.  She's alone.  BIG DIFFERENCE!!! Why do we feel the need to feel sorry for women who aren't with a man?

My point in all of this is that we would be doing all of us a favor if we started looking at things without archaic labels and judgments that belong in a far less evolved era.  Help.  Help me.  Help you.  Help me help you!

I'm a woman. Not a toddler who needs chaperoning and instruction on social graces.

The end.

What's that smell...Oh...it's a THEME!

and not a nice one.


It has been relatively quiet on the redhead front, although this last week was an interesting buffet of asshole casserole

I literally just fell backward in my chair when I typed that and cracked up... please hold...I'm calling the patent office!

OMG

OK I've composed myself now.  Anyway...I hadn't really had any hate mail to speak of in the time that my admittedly barbed dating profile had been up.  But last week, the planets must have aligned just right to piss off some dickheads.

I don't have the examples to post because one of them was so vile and verbally violent I blocked him before I thought to screen shot his bile.  Pretty much any angry thing you can imagine a guy saying to a complete stranger on a dating site...replete with the word "cunt" in 2 different parts of speech. He was very smart you see, and pointed out that not only do I HAVE one, but I AM one.  A lonely one, he goes on, who will never, EVER have a man, blah blah blah blaaaaah blah blah.

I felt like I needed mace and a shower after I read it.  He was a classy motherfucker. So I blocked him and then thought "Ah damnit...the evidence".  Oh well.

The other guy blocked ME before I could screen shot him.  He said that I was a loser bitch, or something and that I stereotyped everyone.

I don't, unless you call statements like "all morons are stupid" a stereotype.

There is something in there about flat billed caps, but I didn't say all flat billed cap wearers are xyz. I just said I am sick and damn tired of them and all their pictures of quads and cousins and dinner plates.

Whatever crawled up the cosmic ass has seemingly calmed down and I have had no more hate. It was just a crazy 2-3 day period of angry middle aged men.  Thanks guys. You keep the blog fires burning while I have actual conversations with homo-sapien types who walk upright.
Merci!

Hold on to your balls, boys.

Check out this hilariously, awesome, on fuckin' fleek video  from Facebook...

OH. warning.  This is some feminist shit. You should hold on to your man card in case your friends find out you read this and value women as humans.

https://www.facebook.com/attn/videos/1454449587923829/

Patronizing 101

How to piss off a liberated woman, 101.  A free course to anyone who wishes to keep their ass intact.

 

NOT....FUCKING...AROUND.  Don't be an idiot. This is not 1955 and I am not arm candy and you're not doing me some favor by throwing me a bunch of shallow compliments without even referencing anything of substance. I mean, my profile is full of interests, humor, etc.  Do I want to feel beautiful? Yes.  But I am not an object in a window for someone to desire because I will make them look good or feel better about themselves. Fuck that shit.   

You know what makes me feel beautiful? Being acknowledged as a whole person, with a brain, and a sense of humor and a spiritual calling and a colorful vocabulary and hobbies and children and ...my god. Just pick a thing, any thing, perhaps in addition to my ass and my eyeballs! 

His username is "BBWlvr".  Omg.   Do skinny girls get this fetish bullshit?  Does this guy think he's doing fat women a favor?!  Bitch puh-leaze!

PS. He's an Aquarius. 

aaaaand from the top, this time with feeling!!

File this under: TAURUS, slow to "get it".

Ok I'm a bitch, have we covered that sufficiently? Look, when you have your own blog, you can paint yourself to be Mother Teresa (who by the way had a bitch side to her as well, just sayin!), but I'm just keepin' it real it the hopes of getting back to ACTUAL RELATING with other humans with like...language and stuff!

This internet dating this has screwed us all up so badly.  This topic is a refresher for those of you paying attention, because it apparently bears repeating.

*writes on blackboard*

*Pauses to explain what a blackboard is* So back in the days before the "Smart Board" and the "Chrome Books" the teacher used this thing called CHALK and wrote lesson-y stuff  on this thing called a chalk board.  It was incredibly barbaric and hard to read and sometimes the erasers were used as weapons and then we had to walk uphill in the snow to eat a lunch of bologna sandwiches. OMG THE HUMANITY. Is there an acronym for that? OMG...TH?

Whatever. Anyway....

SENDING MULTIPLE MESSAGES BACK TO BACK BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T RECEIVED A RESPONSE FROM HIM/HER AND PRETENDING IT'S BECAUSE OF A TECHNICAL ERROR IS ...SAD.

and pathetic maybe.

So wha' ha' happn'd was...I got bored. The conversation was just not holding it's shape well and it was falling flat and I was trying but it wasn't working and I feel like he was a nice guy but not quite my caliber of dude and...I just got fucking bored.

So I stopped answering.

Granted, we had not been betrothed or anything. I think betrothal happens on message 8 and we were on ....3.   So I just backed out of the room slowly. Because I can. Because not betrothed.  *not explaining that goddamnit*    Because just like in that bar in 1994 when that dude with funky hair, too much cologne and an over or under laundered shirt bought me a drink and made LAME conversation with me, I wasn't obligated to make shitty small talk with him, or make out with him or drink more shitty well drinks on his dime, I am also not obligated to answer message #3.

So after my crickets, the next day I get

*cool sunglasses emoji*

then the next day

"Hi. Hope you're having a great day.  blah blah blah blah boring boring boring yaaaawn blah blah.  I tried to message you last night (aside reference to emoji) but I was driving and Siri wasn't cooperating. haha."

then the next day

" Hi. the (dating app name) is giving me problems. My number is 555.555.5555 if you would like to text me"  (it was a real phone number....not all 5's)

then the next day

"been messaging you. Doesn't look like they are sending"

THEY ARE SENDING! I'm just not answering! for the love of  Goddess, please spare your ego further pain and stop this madness!  Those were my thoughts.

then THE ...NEXT...DAY... ("Dear Taurus...OMFG")

"well I thought I'd try one more time. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah."


So...it isn't that he's a dick or anything. I mean he could be a serial killer, Idanno. I'm not gonna find out, because I'm not gonna date him. Because I don't have to. Because I'm BORED.

So when you do not get a response from someone, do NOT KEEP MESSAGING THEM.  (This applies to newly budding or attempted connections, NOT established relationships with established communication rhythms!)  Unless you're married to them and they don't answer your 4th text...you should call the police or drive to that bitch's house, or both.  But I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about NEW relationships!

Girls, you are the worst at this, frankly. But it seems like many men like women so much, they've started acting like them.

DOH!

This behavior is called "Leaning In". and you shouldn't do it in any newly forming relationship, whether its platonic, or work relationship, or hopeful romance.   When someone doesn't answer you, there's usually some kind of reason. It could be a bullshit reason or a legit reason or the dog ate their ...phone.  It doesn't matter.  Allow the other person that reason without leaning in and energetically hovering over them.   If they want to respond to you, trust me, they will.  But you climbing up their ass, energetically (otherwise, ew) is only going to push them farther away.  You know I'm right, because you've done this to yourself before, haven't you?

STOP IT.

LEAN THE FUCK BACK.

I mean. ahem. Lean Back.  Either he will lean forward and close the gap or he won't.  But if you stop begging him or her to talk to you, when they do, you'll know it's sincere and not out of some conditioned response to stalker behavior.

However, if your girlfriend of 18 months stops messaging you, or answering you, you've probably pissed her off pretty bad and you should fix that shit.

Kay? Kay.

Let me help YOU. HELP ME HELP YOU!!

So this week's menu of stupid looks like this:  An Aries, 54 year old, never married nerdy type.  who is looking for "a medium build woman".  He has no kids. and...this is where I start judging...no pets. (my own bias. no offense intended, for once.)   He has this profile picture where his head is cocked way sideways and he's grinning at us like we are puppies who have just climbed inside the bowl to eat. Oh wait, he has no pets. nevermind. He's got this ridiculous look on his face. Not like a nerdy awkward guy. But like his co-worker, Gladys, just said "Morty, smile!" and he looked over like "Oh it's so adorable that frumpy Gladys wants my photo. ooooh oooohkaaaay".    Got the image in your mind?

I like nerds. a lot.  But this guy...

him: why are you so angry? I hope you find what you're looking for
me: if you saw my inbox you'd understand
him (completely losing any modicum of respect I had for him as a nerdy guy): "It can't be that bad.  a beautiful, intelligent lady...you should be able to draw out some decent guys *rose emoji to make this condescension better*
me (in all caps on purpose):  OK SURE. K THANKS
him:  (still not getting it)  Have faith.  There are some nice guys out there
me: crickets/no response

NEXT DAY

him:  if you ever want to talk about anything give me an email.

I found it hard to not respond to that one and say "really? are you looking for a girlfriend or a counseling client? WHY would you do this to yourself?  Let me be your relationship coach. Don't assign yourself a role that you don't really want!

I said nothing.

3 DAYS LATER

him:  (STILL NOT GETTING IT)  SMILE *happy face and rose emojis*

Again, hard to not respond.  I know you guys don't get it but let me help you.  Don't tell us to smile or to "calm down".  Do you know how often we hear stupid shit like "you're so much prettier when you smile"...?

hint:  A LOT

You know what is kinda cool? When someone digs the hell out of you even if you're mad, or have resting bitchface, or have ACTIVE bitchface. Or when someone has empathy for what you might be experiencing a  woman human.   Or doesn't act like they are doing you a favor by offering unsolicited (bad) advice.

side note for all humans:  all advice that is unsolicited is going to be bad.

Let me help y'all out

I know that this stupidity is MOSTLY unintentional. But OMFG ...condescension is not sweet, guys.

Likewise girls...stop being his counselor! (This is different than being supportive in an established relationship.  But even in a marriage, if deep things come up around, say, family stuff... you shouldn't try to fill the role of supportive spouse and counselor.  It's weird. Trust!) Once you get yourself into the counselor box, its difficult to get out of it.  You wanna have a sexy, romantic relationship? or do you want to feel "right" and counsel him on his problems?  If he has that many problems, exit, stage left.  If he doesn't, then shut up unless asked.

Here ends the reading of today's (not actually dating because OMFG) rant

How I shall henceforth refer to everyone

So, I don't know who did this, or I would give credit.  It is utterly fabulous. And this is how I am going to refer to people from now on.

Until I forget... which will be in about 7 hours.

So let's see.  I am SUPER DONE with Half a Taco!  Jury is out on Shrimp Cocktail. I think I'm allergic to their bullshit.   Hand turkey, perhaps the most perfect nickname ever, broke the hell out of my heart twice so fuck them.   I AM a white guy with cornrows so I'm not sure I could date one.  Pretty certain that I still hate A Novelty Bass, even though I've made a lot of peace with it, it still may not work for me.


I may need to invent some new signs...