There are so many stories I don't really know where to start. So I'll start with this week. And as stories creep back into my mind because of some relevant coincidence, I'll share.
Dating is no picnic. Dating in your 40's...well...its a fucking circus. Complete with a freakshow...24 hours a day. And I hate clowns. I really really hate clowns. I hate all that fucking paint and their big fake smile and jokey nose. Who are they really? Why are they pretending to be happy, or sad, or whatever? Who cares.
So I guess I'll start with what I know at the moment.
Scorpios. Let's start with them. I have NEVER and I mean NEVER gotten along with Scorpio men. They are diggers. They dig dig dig into your brain because they want to know everything right now. They must know and understand. And they will try to crack open your skull and eat your identity with a spoon like so much Hannibal Lecter. The problem is....they like to tell me who they think I am. And guess what...if there is anyone who really knows who they are, its probably and Aquarius (that's me). I still struggle to describe myself. I can't twitter. or tweet or whatever the hell its called. Why? Because 140 characters is just silly. I can't even describe my hair in 140 characters. So there is no way some stupid dude who just met me is going to figure me out. And why do they neeeeeed to figure me out? why not just enjoy me? Enjoy my sensuality and my goofy sense of humor, my cooking, my kissing...why not occasionally just shut the fuck up and don't try to figure me out?? Why?
If you put me in a room full of men (sometimes that's an appealing idea. Sometimes its horrifying) I could pick out all the Tauruses and all the Scorpios.
Taurus men...I want to lick them.
Scorpio men...I want to punch them in the throat before they even speak because they are looking at me like they have a spoon in their pocket.
So...because I am an open minded idiot. Sometimes I bend the rules - because that's what they are for. I'm an Aquarius...I live to bend rules, right?
So sometimes I will date someone that I know is most likely wrong for me because I'm a moronic romantic who thinks "but what IF...?"
So I went out with a Scorpio. The conversation started out OK. Then it became intense with that whole Hannibal thing. Then I pushed back. Then we went on an actual date. Then we never spoke again.
For one, he said he was 5'8". I know as well as you do that 90% of men under 5'9" lie about their height. Well he was probably 5'5". Which...ok whatever. I was married to a man who was 5'5". I wasn't attracted to short men then and I"m not now. But I didn't leave him because he was short.
And I didn't not date this guy because he was short. I didn't date him because he was an asshole...and my intuition was spot on.
That morning I really wanted to cancel. but I fought with myself. And I went anyway.
Scorps are notoriously amazing lovers. Guess what? I'll never know. I can't even have a conversation with one.
Then there are the Pisces. Good God in Heaven I don't know why they even exist. They are supposedly the most evolved of the zodiac. ha. hahahaha. Sorry. I'll compose myself.
Fish. no. They are sharks. Notice in the word SELFISH the word "fish"? yep. They are attracted to bight colors, to light and sparkle. They come in to the water where they see that light and they feed on all the rich goodness. They love the deep water. They love swimming in the depths. They love passion, if its their doing, and they love intensity, unless its yours. They get their fill of passion and love feelings and after they've swallowed your hook, they swim off into the vast ocean...with the hook connected to your guts.
yep.
and I dated a Pisces recently that took off with my hook in his mouth. Then I met another one recently. But I couldn't go through with the actual date because ...well. I'm trying really hard not to be a moron. It just didn't feel like IT.
So instead I have cooked the most amazing food all weekend. And I'm drinking Sangria with blood oranges. watching tragic movies. eating girl scout cookies. talking to girlfriends in various forms of life crises.
And I'm happy. I really am happy.
If only I could make out with myself...
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