I now recount to you, with xanax in hand, one of my very first actual dates resulting from an online encounter.
He was a scorpio. I didn't know yet that this was ominous and awful.
We talked for weeks...text, phone. Photos Nothing crazy. No requests for naked photos. No dick pix. He was interesting. He asked a lot of questions and that seemed boring to me but he was OKish.
He lived at the coast and asked me to visit. After a few weeks I found time and did. I had a cuuuuute little hotel room for a bargain price ON the beach. It was Cinco de Mayo. A weekend to myself. He had promised me a fire on the beach, with wine, a nice dinner, some kissing. Happy sigh. I was freshly separated and in an on again off again relationship that was angsty. So this sounded romantic and divine.
We arranged to meet at my hotel's sun deck. Being from the area, he was familiar with the spot. But when he got there, he became...confused...and couldn't see the giant writing on the wall pointing up the stairs that said "sun deck".
Maybe he was nervous. so I met him at the door of my room.
What? what's that sound? is that an alarm? shhh. I'm telling a story.
did someone drop this red flag? ok anyway...
He looked uncomfortable. He dropped off a duffle bag and suggested some wine. I said "'let's go back up to the roof, its beautiful". "No let's stay here" he said
what the hell is that sound???
He proceeds to tell me that he's somewhat disappointed with my appearance (and btw he looked NOTHING like his photos. Hello Irony). I proceeded to tell him he was an asshole. He apologized and we drank wine in silence. and then....his hand is up my shirt.
And then I said "um what the fuck? did you not just tell me that I wasn't what you expected? But your hand is up my shirt???"
He spluttered out some bullshit I don't remember and then...it happened. He "kissed" me.
I left my body. So what I really think happened is that the Aliens took me aboard and probed my mouth...with a cow tongue. My mouth was ratcheted open by his massive jaw. My face was engulfed from nose to chin. His tongue was FLOPPING around in my mouth. Like a cow tongue...having a siezure. I'm not even exaggerating. If a kiss can be like an assault, this was. My mouth was like being raped by a cow.
He was 44. divorced. how had he lived this long (and reproduced) and no one ever told him "that is NOT kissing!"???
I pushed him away from me and caught my breath, whilst squeegee-ing my face off. He left. I cried and called everyone I knew.
You can turn off the alarm and stop throwing those red flags at me. I see them now. everywhere. thanks.
Did you ever chew on your bic pen in Jr. High? Do you remember that smell of dried saliva?
That is what the entire lower portion of my face smelled like. People...I could smell my own face!!!
More crying.
I took myself to dinner and told the waitress the story. She sat down with me. After her shift she had a drink with me. We laughed. I went back to the hotel and cried some more.
HE blocked ME on the dating site. haha. uh..yeah.
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